I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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