Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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