Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
