Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize