Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
