did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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