oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
