please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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