I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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