Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
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