She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
We had sex on a dog bed..
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
