I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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