Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
