Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
