Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
