three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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