Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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