im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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