I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
