mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize