The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
