The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
