woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
