I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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