You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
