I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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