no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
