I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
