I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Randomize
