I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
