There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
