im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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