The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Randomize
