I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
