WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
