a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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