I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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