New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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