weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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