If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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