Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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