the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
