i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
you made out with another girl for some wings
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
