I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize