I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
