No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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