please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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