i need an iv and a liver transplant
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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