he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
