The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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