He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
