I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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