You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
