Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
