I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Randomize
