The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
