I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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