They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
