if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
