i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
