First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
